Posted by: graemebird | September 6, 2016

Phone Cheat-Sheet Ahead Of My First Call To The Nursing Staff

Our family was always too pseudo-rational.  That is to say that the boys were atheistic, and fiendishly logical ………… for any subject that they didn’t have an emotional involvement with.  Now a more successful life would have it the other way around.  Why not be irrational about ones spiritual life, if that gave you the emotional space to be more rational about dealing with day to day problems?

My brothers took the high road to loser city, except for the one who took advantage of a rigged labour market.  And because we are all fundamentally brilliant, given the assistance of a rigged labour market, now he’s a superstar.

Once matters impinge on my brothers emotional territory they all become wall-to-wall morons.  So I was tapped out talking to them.  I had to take the big step to talk to the nursing staff so that the nightmare happening to my Dad would end.  So I was lucky.  I got a really sweet Indian FEMALE nurse on the night shift.  I explained the whole thing.  I think I had her almost in tears.  But I made a CHEAT SHEET so that my phone call might be productive.  Here is my cheat sheet:



Need to get the salt up, and the pH up. Need to get BLOOD PRESSURE down-but. I said Down-but. You see you need to get blood PRESSURE down in ways that get blood FLOW up. I said blood pressure DOWN in ways that get blood flow UP.

Well what is wrong with a sauna? What is wrong with a Sauna Ron? Plus a sauna press-gangs the skin into the role of assisting the liver in toxin removal. So why not a Sauna? Why not the Indians favourite pimple treatment Ron? The Indians grow up with the awesome elixer called SAFI. Its the best fucking gear imaginable. Its got 28 different medicinal herbs from the subcontinent, brought down into a single syrup. I’ve never seen anything as righteous as SAFI, and all these Indian pricks know about it. If they would stop with the pills and give him the fucking Safi, it would be doing a chunk of the heavy lifting for my Dads liver.

So whats wrong with SAFI and a sauna?

Whats wrong with around the clock vitamin D and vitamin K2 Ron? Why do they need to tell lies to my Dad and blame him for having swollen ankles? Did these boys come all the way from India to lie to my Dad and get angry about his ankles and hurt his heart Ron?

By Christ I wish I was powerful. I would make them a fucking offer they could not refuse. I would tell them to be nice to my Dad and give him Safi, D, K2, Saunas, Apple cider vinegar, liver flushes, and kind conversation. Or else they would find themselves mopping floors in Calcutta, if they aren’t chopped into small pieces and fed to the pigs.


1.  I was so sad today I almost started crying at work. Because I phoned my Dad. I phoned my Dad and I told him not to take the pills. And for the first time ever he was really sad. He said “They get angry at me about my ankles”

2.They get angry at him, and he gets confused and hurt in the heart. But all they are doing is tricking him into taking a pill that will bring his blood pressure down. They have no pill that can stop the swelling in his ankles. I have herbal treatment that can help, but they won’t let me use it. I have electrical foot massage that can help but they won’t let me use it. But they want to force him to take a pill. So they blame him for his swollen ankles and they act angry at him.

3. Who is his new doctor? What is her name? The doctor is a woman right?

4. Can you give me all the shift times that the nursing staff are on? Its three shifts isn’t it? What hours are the three shifts? I need to talk to all the nursing staff, starting with you, about my Dad. There has been a horrible mistake as to his treatment. He is not getting the care he deserves.

5. No-no. I am going to start at the bottom and work my way up.

6. I will help anyone who helps my father. That is my policy. Anyone wants extra money to send back to India? I am interested. I will hurt anyone who hurts my Dad. That is my policy. I will be angry at anyone who is angry at my Dad. Be nice to him. He’s a nice guy and he’s a smart guy too. You will see if you stop reducing the blood flow to his brain.

7. Do you want me to talk to immigration about some of you nurses? Perhaps I should talk to immigration about some of you Indian nurses. Oh I see. You want my name. Well I will get a pen and paper and take down your name. What do you think about that? I am Brian Birds son. What do you want to know my name for. Are you saying you need to know my name before you will agree to be nice to an 81 year old man? Well go on then. Give me your name and I’ll write it all down. I’ll talk to my pals in immigration if you want. You want to be mopping floors in Calcutta? Would that make you feel better? Would that make you feel happy? If you want to be mopping floors in Calcutta, well alright then I will go and get a pen and paper. But I thought we could come to an agreement that you would be nice to an old guy who never hurt you. Who never hurt you ever.

Who never hurt anyone ever at all.

8.Chlorpromazine, Thorazine, Largactil.

9. You didn’t start studying nursing just to go to the far side of the planet, in order to force pills down an old mans throat, that HE didn’t want, and that HE didn’t need. Why aren’t you giving him SAFI?

10. Don’t saddle up the Doctors for your own behaviour. You have to take responsibility for what YOU-do.

11. Can you tell me the difference between nursing and residential? You see I need to get my Dad to residential so that I can get some sort of treatment to help his liver. The staff won’t help his liver. I need to get him well enough to transfer him over to residential. But he cannot get well enough if the Indian nurses keep forcing him to take pills that reduce blood flow to the brain.

12. Who am I? What is my name? I am Brian Birds son. What is your name? I just told you. I am Brian Birds son. What is your name? Why won’t you tell me your name? I told you who I was. Now I want to know who you are? Okay then. Lets make it even then. Tell me your DADS name. You know my Dads name. You know where my Dad lives. So you tell me your Dads name. You tell me where your Dad lives. So maybe if we equal information we could do the same stuff. So maybe I could go around to your Dads place and be angry at him for having swollen ankles. Then I could lie to YOUR dad that it was his fault that he had swollen ankles. Then I could gang up on him and try to give him a pill, that didn’t help his ankles even a little bit, just because I had fooled him by being angry at his swollen ankles.

So you are from India right? Whereabouts in India are you from? So you came all the way from ……… just to get angry at my Dad for having swollen ankles. Swollen ankles that aren’t my Dads fault but that are the fault of the pills your poxy useless expensive so-called PROFESSION made my Dad take? Well go to India. And try and improve that miserable country with a family of five hiding behind every fucking tree. But don’t come to my part of the world to hurt my Dad. Give my Dad SAFI. Give him the proper stuff. Give him the gear that is going to make him better. This fucking white-guy medicine is just bullshit. You know that, I know that. We all know that. Give him the SAFI since that has all the ayurvedic herbs.

Look you know better. Your ancestors had a civilisation and real medicine when my ancestors were covered in shit and living in trees. So you know the ayurvedic herbs WORK. So why do you come to MY country ….. and force pills that DON’T WORK down my father, by lying to him, and being angry about his swollen ankles?

He’s a good guy. You will learn to love him if you let him have blood-flow to the brain and so he can come back. Treat him like your own Dad. Give him the good stuff. Give him the SAFI. 28 ayurvedic herbs condensed down to a single syrup. It does not get more righteous than that.


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